Chasing Tales

If you love dogs you’ll know how hard it is to watch. For neurological or physiological reasons, a dog may spend hours chasing his tail. If he catches it and causes injury it could, if left untreated, cause further injury and worsen the whirling behavior.
I sense five perceptions to this problem.

• To the dog: His tail preoccupies him for long periods of time. It is the reason for, and the solution to, all of his problems. Left untreated, he will chase it until hunger, thirst, or fatigue overtakes him. When rested, he will continue his pursuit. Until treatment, training, and rehabilitation are provided, the dog will likely die after breathlessly wasting his life.
• To pet owners: The disturbing behavior interferes with their otherwise healthy relationship with the family pet. Tail-chasing also distracts him from the security that comes with his territorial instincts.
• To underdeveloped adults: Like porn, a tortured dog can provide hours of entertainment, especially for those desperate to relieve their own pain.
• To disinterested neighbors: Although annoying, the dog seems active and fully engaged.
• To criminals: Whirling dogs are too busy to protect territory or confront evil.

So how did whirling dogs get my attention? If you said “global warming” you would be correct!

Let me explain:

The dog’s tail presents an imagined source of anxiety. Healthy dogs hardly notice their tails until caught in a door or stepped on. But to mentally disturbed animals, their obsessive compulsion resembles the paranormal hysteria that preoccupies our global warming alarmists.

Except for the meteorologists and climatologists who have studied our skies for centuries, most people hardly notice the weather until the game gets rained out. But to Al Gore, hot and cold days, thickening and melting ice, rain and drought, day and night, deserts and mountains all remind him of his scabbed little tale. If Gore was alone in this endeavor he’d be viewed as a deranged mongrel that needs help. The difference is that, this time, Gore has convinced other dogs to enlist more dogs to chase their tails and to recruit other whirling crazies, as if scouting for the canine version of Dance Fever.

The pet owners represent the grown-ups of America. Those of us who embrace what Thomas Sowell describes as a significant stake in society look at the weather as the inexact science it is. Unless you belong to the Flat Earth Society you’ll agree that the planet has warmed considerably since the Ice Age. But how can we believe scientists can predict the next 100,000 years when AccuWeather barely grasps the next 100 hours? And when leftist politicians dismiss internationally-recognized climatologists (1,2,3) for their heliocentric blasphemy, it’s time for America’s grown-ups to call the dog whisperer.

America’s underdeveloped adults will resist. After all, these cultists have invested much time and energy in the global warming tale. The orgy of concerts, fundraising, domestic terrorism, moonbat romances, and political enablers feel too good to surrender to the dysphoric sobriety of a wasted life. Like the seduced child who is suddenly too old for his priest, America’s moonbats have wasted too much of their lives to chase another tale. But before they start passing the Kool-Aid I have some good news – there’s always Obama and “racial profiling.”

America’s disinterested neighbors are too preoccupied with their own lives to worry one way or the other. They hear Al Gore’s growling snarls and suppose he’s doing what dogs do. Gore sounds really busy, he stays active, and he makes lots of impressive noises, so he must know what he’s doing. And regardless of what Gore’s up to, the neighbors are too busy working, raising families, punching clocks, baking cookies, and suing corporations to worry about Gore’s tale. They know that when the dust settles, Gore will take a well-deserved nap. After all, he’s been busy protecting the planet from greenhouse gases. I’m amazed that secular moonbats so willingly genuflect to cow farts. No wonder they chase their tails.

Criminals are a threat. While America is distracted by the growls, dust, and snapping of fake issues like global warming and racial profiling, immediate problems like Islam, medicine, Social Security, gangs, and public schools, are killing and crippling Americans today! To avoid any agreement with the Bush Administration, politicians seeking the moonbat vote will finance the ambitious scientists to promote the global warming issue, as long as those politicians keep the grant money coming in.

I must admit, ever since I learned that global warming will drown San Francisco, Santa Monica, and Boston I’ve been burning old tires in my back yard. But the reality is that the planet will continue to warm and humanity will adapt as we always have, as long as we survive the present global crisis.

America’s grown-ups see the dog chasing its tail. We’ve looked for parasites and mange but see nothing but bite marks and scars. We gather information, study the behaviors, and take steps to calm the animal.

As much as I like Rudy, Newt, Condi, and Mitt, I think America needs Cesar Millan in '08!